Of Happy Days, and Birthdays...

Today is a day,
some might call it a happy day,
some might call it a new day,
some might just call it another day,
some might call it a fucked up day,

I guess where I am going with this is that different people view different situations in different light,
today might have been one of the most awesome day for you,
today started out as a not so good day which is turning into a real bummer of a day for me,
today you might feel like a winner, however,
today I am and shall remain the loser,
today was supposed to be a happy day,
today, today.....

xoxo
p/s: Happy Birthday Chris!!!!!!

Of Understanding....

It didn't take too long for me to understand you...
Yet it feels like forever before you understood me...
I'm tired and exhausted, waiting for forever...
Yet I'm still waiting...
It may feel like I'm expressing myself in riddles...
Riddles in the dark...
Darkness, where fear resides...
For there are many things which I fear...
Fear can make someone do the weirdest of things...
Fear...
What exactly do I fear?
Fear of being caged...
Fear of abandoned...
Fear of losing out...
Fear of losing you...
What do you fear?
Some might say there is nothing to fear but fear itself...
I have yet to understand that statement...

I'm babbling...if you've wasted your time reading this entry...my apologies!
xoxo

Of Things That Should Not Be Shared...

It's 2 in the morning...can't sleep,
wondering why or what or who is keeping me awake,
maybe it's the thought of you that keeping me awake, or maybe I'm just plain constipated

I have a T-shirt with the print that says,
"Life is full of choices, choose Hope"
Hope, big word, humble meaning, but I can't help but wonder, when does hope turn into obsession?
Choices, what if the choices you have are those which you don't want or impossible to have?

xoxo

Of You...

Dear you, who stole from me...
Dear you, who made me feel inadequate...
Dear you, who brought out the worst in me...
Dear you, who taught me jealousy...
Dear you, who caused me pain, sensitivity and insecurities...
You, freakin' you, who took away the heart and claimed it as your 'lover'...
Hate, is not sufficient a word...
Indifferent suits better...
Be a saint elsewhere!

xoxo

Of Fresh Starts...

Ah, finally, I've realized how neglected my blog is! This past few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotional turmoil, scratch that, make it a few months! As I read through my pass entries, I come to realize how "disturbed" I was! Ah, what a torture! Jealousy is really a taxing and draining thing! and to what end? It feels like I'm not far from where I started!
Hence, it's time to put it behind me! Easily said yea?! Ah, it's gonna be hard, and I guess there will always be moments, thoughts, that will bring up the feelings of hate, insecurities, longing. I can only deal with 'em as they come!
Why the sudden revelation you ask? Well, it's not that I don't wish and hope that things will turn out my way, I do! I freakin' do! But over the weekend, a wise lady told me that "Expectations brings disappointment" It's not that one shouldn't have expectations, it's just that you shouldn't consume yourself over what did not happen (or had happened to someone else but not yourself - sorry, I had to vent!) and just be thankful for the things that do!
At the end of the day, there's still love. I still care. I just need to work on being more selfless I guess! If that's even possible!

xoxo
P/S: Fall season premiers are upon us! All my favourite TV serials are back!! Yay!! HAPPINESS!

Of Time and Tide....

Ah, it's been a month since my last entry, how time flies....
With time comes the inevitable change....
Yet some things remain the same....
Some things, refuse to succumb to the changing tides....
Though it's easier to remain ignorant....
When the receding tide drifts further away from the shore....
There remains the fool, with his foot, longing for the waves....
And as time passes, he begins to accept that he has lost the wave....
But gradually the inevitable truth becomes crystal clear, like the wave, the heart he so longs for was never his to begin with...

xoxo

Of Changes

The impending change is inevitable,
I see it, taking shape, right before my eyes,
For good or for bad,
I still can't figure it out yet,
The thing that's for sure,
Is that it's coming.

xoxo

Of Hearts and Sleeves

You wear your heart on your sleeve,
expecting, waiting, longing,
Hoping someone would catch it from the ever unrolling fragile fabric,
unrolling, unraveling, falling,
Suddenly realizing there might not be a saving arm,
what to do, how to do it,
Catch your falling heart and roll up your own sleeve,
independence, sovereignty, liberty,
For sometimes the person you long for can in no way be yours,
acceptance, though it hurts like hell,
What's left is a groove for your arm in my heart,
forever, always

xoxo

Of Gravity

"Gravity"

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

Sara Barreilles
Currently in love with her...

With this entry, may I leave the emo behind
Or at least, from this space
My feelings, shall remain my own

xoxo

Of Concerns and Gratitudes

Ah, hey peeps,

It's been a very eventful pass few weeks...I know I've been awfully emo this pass few entries...
And I'm utterly grateful for all your concerns! Thanks yeah!! And I'm well, seriously, it's just been a rather taxing few weeks...
It feels like I've been on an emotional roller-coaster that, frankly speaking, I don't think has reached a halt yet. Riding through the highs, through the darkest of places, on a journey, of which it's destination I'm yet to know, or rather, I refuse to find out. For which the reason, is difficult to disclose! Maybe because of fear, maybe because of insecurities, maybe because of naivety, I don't know. What's true lies within yourself, but yet, what truly lies within you?! When it comes down to it, only you know how you feel! And here comes the hardest part of that truth, when and how do you tell the world or that someone how you feel?
For we are all governed by circumstances that bind us to the life that we live in, may it be the life we chose for ourselves, or chosen for us. Either way, it is forsaken, this life!


xoxo

Of Falling

My dear,

After all that's been said and done, if you still feel the same, then so be it!
For I sit here in silence, and hear the echoes of who I used to be!
And I wonder, "How did I become this person?"
Yet the answer is simple, simple enough it's a shame to utter out loud...

xoxo

The Mind is Tired, but The Heart Won't Quit....

Hey peeps,

How ya'll been?! Alright then, moving on....
Ahhh, where do I start? Been feelin' kinda crappy lately....
Have you ever felt like the "happy" things in your life never lasts?? Yet, even though they are short-lived, you appreciate it so freakin much? Sometimes, even trivial things matter so damn much!
My good friend once told me, people will always hurt you. At that time I thought it was the booze in him talking...looking back though, the booze was right! Isn't it funny how simple words, some actions, even mere choices the people you like make, affects you so? When it feels like you come in second best! Ah, the jealousy runs wild!!
So what do you do when stuck in such a place? When you've fallen, too deep to climb out, too early to quit!
Am I a hopeful person in a hopeless situation?

The Vanity of V

hey peeps,

I know it's been a while, but the fish ain't rotten yet babes! haha...
Been a very eventful few weeks...yes yes...no doubt! But let's save that for another day....
coz it's time to dish!!

This entry has been planned since....since....well, a long time...
Have you ever encountered someone that is so incredibly vain, so terribly self-centered, so painfully ignorant, so so freakin' LAME!!

Well, I have not only encountered, I have the wretched luck to have these figures in my life right now!!! Argh....irritating pests!! How can people be such an excrutiating pain in the ass?! How can people be so clueless? It makes me wonder, are you really that clueless, or are you just fakin it?! F*#&s!!!! And to top it off, the vanity amid farce insecurities that you project everyday is so hilarious, do you know it's embarrassing??

In the end, I have nothing else to say but this....I bet you're so freakin vain that you think this entry is about you! Go get a life - you know who you are!!

xoxo

Dear Chris......Payback's A Bitch!

I think it's safe to say that I feel much better now that I've stumbled across this pretty little picture of Chris - the founder of EVIL, my partner in Chaos & Poop (I guess you have to be on the inside to understand all this, and lying to you I'm not when I say it's pretty darn funny - good times!) Why I put up this picture you ask? Well...let's just say i sayang sayang him so!! hehe....check his link to find out more! Far and square Chris?? Peace and Harmony k?! Hahaha...

xoxo

When Jealousy Weaves Its Ugly Head...

Sometimes, it feels like the things you do goes unappreciated...
Sometimes, it feels like things are easier for some other people...
Sometimes, it feels like you're just within reach yet you remain just as you were...
Sometimes, it feels like the slightest of things, many would deem insignificant, is priceless to you...
Sometimes, it feels like the heart that you want will never belong to you...
Sometimes, it feels like your heart will never be able to cope...
Sometimes, it feels like it's easier to give up...
Sometimes, it feels like the burden of the truth is overbearing...
Sometimes, it feels like the truth would come out...
Sometimes, it feels like you're not hiding anything, just not telling...

Hold on, just hold on and push through the grime and the filth, if only to come out at the other end! May it be your perceived perfect ending or not, at least you're not stuck in the rut that you were in~

xoxo
be back with more of the KB trip photos soon-ish.....promise, cross my heart!! eeew...

When You Want Something You Can't Have

Ah, it's 5 in the morning, and I'm wide awake...been boozing with some of my buddies last night. Didn't exactly drink much, didn't exactly drink less either, just, insufficient! Hehe, it was one of those nights when you'd rather drink like a fish and get wasted! I guess sometimes things just don't work the way you want them to, after all, the earth doesn't revolve around you no?? What is one supposed to do when the heart longs for more but gets in return insufficiency??

xoxo
p/s: connection is bad....not gonna upload more KB photos for now, check back soon...

KT.....the pseudo-city...

Hey peeps,

If you're wondering what's up with my entry title, well, wonder no more (this line is soooooooo lame) as usual, I'm basically trashing KT....how this supposed city was named a city in the first place is beyond me.....I mean like seriously, BEYOND! Like way across the universe BEYOND!! (hehe, princess GKL is gonna call me a drama king)! But seriously, it's ridonkulous!!

Why the sudden amazement you ask? (2 degree lameness) Well, over the weekend, some of my buddies and I (actually 4 cars of buddies) went up to KB - that's Kota Bahru for those of you who aren't Malaysian, and for those Malaysians who slept through your geography lessons - and my oh my, it's so so so so different from KT, seriously.....like BEYOND!! (Today's word of the day is.....BEYOND)

It's much more modern, much more organized, much more like a city!! And there's an actual, functioning shopping mall!! Seriously!!!! Although it's nothing compared to KL, but at least it's civilization!

Oh yes, 3 of us went into Thailand.....coolness....the dried chilli was amazingly and incredibly spicy and tasty!! Why only 3? Well, some sad people didn't have their passports!! Sad sad sad!!
Time to show off my photography skills!! Hehehe.....behold the camwhores!!

~first stop....chose a nice place.......to pee....

~Chris, post pee....see the happiness?? Yes, we all did it au natural!!

~the makcik and the datin~ very nice, I'm bragging....bite me!

~the camwhore virus is spreading~the designated cameramen...the canon (chris), the nikon SLR (ravin), and the cheaper nikon (me)..~the cameramen can pose too no? ~the aunty strikes again...on Ravin's car....barefoot!!
~yes, that's Ravin, so you know how big the dragons really ar!! Hahaha....~ this is in Kelantan....seriously....and it's not the only one!~taking a break....back with more photos soon....

xoxo

Of Journeys and Destinations....

Hey friends!

So we always here people saying, "It's the journey that matters the most, not the destination" right?? Well, I can't help but wonder if the person who came up with that phrase was someone from KL (fine, I'm from Klang, not KL, but then it's still nearer to KL than Tanjung Karang - trust me!) who's work/ studies/ obligation was in KT! Kekeke....seriously, I couldn't agree more with the phrase!

As you may have probably guessed (yay, you are not slow!) I'm back in KT/ pseudo-city after 5 days in Klang, and boy-oh-boy was those 5 little, insufficient days a hell of a BLAST!! Seriously!! There were food, booze, friends, great friends, more booze, chocolate therapy and this little thing that I don't do that much, shopping! There may have been some dodgy and hick-ups here and there, but it was awesome!
Then came Saturday, and GOD, I hoped and prayed that it was really just Thursday! But it wasn't - lameness - And we all packed our bags and started driving back to this village/ jungle (which is worse than TK - or is it???)
The drive back was great (even though it's back to this sordid place)! Many things happened along this journey, realisations, stops were made, posers posed, J.Co's were consumed, even the moon was full! Ah, if only, if only!!

Then I reached here and everything boiled down to SHIT!! Hahaha....
xoxo

~Stylo-pek on route to J.Co

~we valet parked for J.Co's it's really worth it....

~jumped ship to accompany Ravin....in full concentration for what's to come....
and what's to come is....~the hunt for natural gold!! Hehe....nola, his nose was itchy....seriously!!
(he's so gonna kill me)~the reason why I jumped ship - among other things....
~Cherating....

~posers and the ultimate camwhore - go to my friend Chris' blog to find out who!
oh who am I kidding, it's the one in yellow!
go to Chris' blog to find out just why!~the camera-men's feet! Sexy no??

Of Mushy-ness

O.K. I have to admit the last entry can go 2 ways....."emo-ness" or "eeeew-ness"!! Hahhaa....
Both of which proves that I'm nothing but human! Thank god~ but here's a totally random scenario that I feel pretty much happens to a lot of regular people unless your love life is zilch....the crush on someone you work or study with, a good friend....yes? no?
Well, some of my buddies (u know who u r) and I were talking (more like dishin') the other day about this topic! What will come of it? Will it work? What if it doesn't? How does 2 continue being friends if love fails? Questions questions.....paranoia after paranoia!!
I think it takes a lot of courage to start something between good friends....Courage that I don't think I have....hypothetically speaking!!

xoxo

P/S: If you're not already hooked on this year's American Idol, you should go F*%^ yourself! The top 12 is AMAZING well technically is top 11 now....but i would say of that 11, 9 are SUPERB!!! It could get pretty interesting ppl! MUST WATCH....

Of Palpable Feelings....

Today it hit me, actually it hit me a long time ago, but today it became so real, so clear, so undeniable, it feels so extremely lonely at times! I know it's a given with what I do and who I am, but it feels so unbearable at times. Especially times like these! When things don't go your way, when you are so emotionally crippled all you want is for someone to be there. Someone to say everything's gonna be fine. Someone I could run away with yet stay exactly where I am. I miss it. I miss it all. Well, guess I'm a closeted romantic! I'm only human! Maybe I should be more available, more out there! Maybe...

Gonna steal a great idea from a good friend of mine....post lyrics of songs that best describe me mood at the moment!

Honey and The Moon - Joseph Arthur

Don't know why I'm still afraid.
If you weren't real I would make you up now.
I wish that I could follow through.
I know that your love is true and deep as the sea.
But right now, everything you want is wrong.
And right now, all you dreams are waking up.
And right now, I wish I could follow you
To the shores of freedom
Where no one lives.
Remember when we first met
And everything was still a bet in love's game
You would call, I'd call you back
And then I'd leave a message on your answering machine
But right now, everything is turning blue.
And right now, the sun is trying to kill the moon.
And right now, I wish I could follow you
To the shores of freedom
Where no one lives.
Freedom. Run away tonight.
Freedom. Run away. Run away tonight.
We're made out of blood and rust
Looking for someone to trust without a fight .
I think that you came too soon;
You're the honey and the moon that lights up my night.
But right now, everything you want is wrong.
And right now, all you dreams are waking up.
And right now, I wish I could follow you
To the shores of freedom
Where no one lives.
Freedom. Run away tonight.
Freedom. Run away. Run away tonight.
We got too much time to kill
Like pigeons on my windowsill we hang around.
Ever since I've been with you
You hold me up all the time I'm falling down
But right now, everything is turning blue.
And right now, the sun is trying to kill the moon.
And right now, I wish I could follow you
To the shores of freedom
Where no one lives.
Freedom. Run away tonight.
Freedom. Run away. Run away tonight.
Freedom. Run away. Run away

xoxo

Of The Face, and The Book....

So I've pretty much announced that I'm no whiz in computers and matters pertaining to computers. All these I.T gibberish - I'm tempted to say "rubbish" but then I don't want to be bludgened to death by some techy whizy! - so I'll say gibberish, gets me confused! And me nots likes being confused yea~ If only you knew how difficult it was for me to set up this blog acc!! I felt so ancient!! No, I think ancient ran over me, reversed and ran over me again like road kill!

So I'm minding my business, checkin my mails, readin up on the important news - can't believe Cate Blanchett didn't win an Oscar last weekend! Proposterous!! I haven't watched any of the films she was nominated in, but it's Cate!! She's Great!! I didn't mean to rhyme! - Well, back to the story, I was happily minding my business when I came across this email from - erm, you don't need to know - "invitin" mua to join this supposedly "hip and now" thing called "Facebook"!!

O.K, so being the incredibly "hip and now" (barf) kinda person, I signed up! Now, well, let's just say that things are slow with a capitol S! It's like the building in your hometown that has been "in construction" for...EVER!! haha....hopeless!!

~cousin Christine, big sis, 2nd sis, cousin Mien (ignore her water bottle), yours truly
Chinese New Year at Gramps!

xoxo
P/S: Big shout out to Mei Ann! If you're readin this, well, hello! haha...go find somethin less lame to do!

Of Greener Grass, or Lack Thereof...

Sometimes you fall short, sometimes it feels like you're traveling on a bumpy, winding, relentlessly obscured road leading to the unknown, sometimes the journey scares you to death, sometimes you realize this might not be what it was supposed to be, it might not be the right route anymore. That through the many years on the road, stops have been made, detours, crossroads that have been wrongly and poorly decided upon. In the end, I wonder, if the journey's what matters, well, what if your journey was a hell of a fight, literally!?

"If life were a human being, it would surely be a nasty bitch!"
xoxo

Another day, another "bah"....

Have you ever woken up in the morning and knew, just literally knew, that today was going to be a hugely unproductive day?! Not a bad day, just a lazy day. Like you just want to be left alone, care-free for whatever time that's available! Well, today was one of those days for me! It's like someone drugged you with a whole lot of sleeping pills and when you finally wake up, you just wanna go back to visit the "Zs" in ZZ land! Seriously, it's bad, especially for people like me! Anyhoos, like I said, today was profoundly unproductive, I tried to open a book to study and basically bathed the book with drool! So finally decided to just spend the day practically lazying around! And then I thought, "oooh, I can blog!". So here I am maybe a handful of lines into the entry and already the Zs are taunting me, it isn't much help that I'm practically typing this while lying on my bed, wearing....well, let's not go there or this would lead into a very different direction! Cheekiness!! Which reminds me, I have to take a shower!

xoxo

Just Checkin' In

Hello hello!

It's the lunar new year, so Happy Chinese New Year people!
Well, that's about it actually, had the urge to announce that I'm fine after the beers and the gambling! Didn't lose a liver or lose a limb to loan sharks! lame-ness!!
Although I can't guarantee if I'll still have my head after I sit for my semester assessment which is tomorrow for which I am actually fully prepared for, if only it was a test on how to play "Black Jack and Poker"!! Let's say it together now, I'm thoroughly screwed!! But then again, it's just a mock exam - so I keep telling myself! Gulp?!

Check back soon-ish....if I still have my head!
xoxo

A New Year, A Silent Prayer....

Hey peeps!

I wouldn't even dare wish all of you a happy new y***! It's freakin' 27 days late! Hah! Much has happened since my last entry, in my life and in general really! Seriously, contrary to popular belief, I'm not that much of an egotistical pig, just a bit!! Hehe...Well, I've finally moved out of the hostel - hooray me!! - into a rented house nearer to town, oh no, no, no, Kuala Terengganu is a CITY now - hooray, erm...not really - anyhoos, I guess it's safe to say that I'm completely done with living in a hostel, happiness!!!! I think I have exhausted myself explainin' why I'm so glad to be out of the hostel, so let's not go into that shall we?!

Moving on, moving on, things have been hectic lately, what with the semester coming to it's end, moving into the new pad, exams are right around the corner, but not before the Chinese New Year celebrations!! To booze, "ang pau's", gambling, and more booze!! Good times ahead!

I don't celebrate thanksgiving, so I guess now is as a good time to give thanks as any. So let the sappy, emo, thoroughly "eeew" moments begin but promise you me, that it all boils down to a very important point in the end so bear with me yes?! Right, big shout out to my parents and my sisters, who practically taught me everythin I know, or if not, helped me know everything I know! Gosh, how some people can be so dependent, so naive, so clueless, so ignorant is just beyond me! I may not be totally independent, but at least I can proudly say that I can survive with the basics. Seriously people, complete reliance on others over what to do and every other freakin' decision is NOT sexy!! Independence is under-rated really! Boilin'!! Ah...deep breaths, deep breaths!! Don't wanna name names, it's just irritating and infuriating that's all!!

The world lost 2 prominent and gifted figures since my last entry, a silent prayer goes out to the late Benazhir Bhutto and Heath Ledger, and to their grieving family and friends. I know it's kinda odd to place the two names side by side, but both are great, amazing people whose amazing lives and work have touched many and offered much to help the people. Their untimely deaths lay proof to how fragile the human life is.

Happy New Year's people ~ 27 days late!
xoxo